| Where does the good go? |
[16 Apr 2007|02:48am] |
|
Where do you go with your broken heart in tow?
What do you do with the left over you?
And how do you know, when to let go?
Where does the good go? Where does the good go?
Look me in the eye and tell me you don't find me attractive.
Look me in the heart and tell me you won't go.
Look me in the eye and promise no love's like our love.
Look me in the heart and unbreak broken, it won't happen.
It's love that leaves and breaks the seal of always thinking you would be
Real, happy and healthy, strong and calm, where does the good go?
Where does the good go?
Where do you go when you're in love and the world knows?
How do you live so happily while I am sad and broken down?
What do you say it's up for grabs now that you're on your way down?
Where does the good go? Where does the good go?
Look me in the eye and tell me you don't find me attractive.
Look me in the heart and tell me you won't go.
Look me in the eye and promise no love's like our love.
Look me in the heart and unbreak broken, it won't happen.
It's love that leaves and breaks the seal of always thinking you would be
Real, happy and healthy, strong and calm, where does the good go?
Where does the good go?
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| If I Had Your Love |
[08 Jan 2007|09:00pm] |
If I had your love
you would be
what most inspires me
sacred soul
fantasy
brightest light
guiding me on wings.
You would be the heart inside me
what I'd wish
on a star
all to me
that is what you are.
If I had your love
I could live my dream
flying high above
everything
If I had your love
you would light my world
that would be enough
If I had your love
If I held you close
feeling your heart beat beside me
fast asleep
wide awake
every step
every move I make
If I had your love I
could live my dream
flying high above
everything
If I had your love
you would light my world
that would be enough
if I had your love
If I had your love
I'd live out my dream
flying high above
oh yeah
If I had your love
I could live my dream
flying high above
everything
If I had your love
you would light my world
that would be enough
If I had your love
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| Searching For A Former Clarity |
[08 Jan 2007|11:56am] |
| [ |
mood |
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emo |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Searching For A Former Clarity -- Against Me! |
] |
No the doctors didn't tell you,
that you were dying.
They just collected their money,
And sent you on your way.
But you knew all along,
went on pretending nothing was wrong,
you said I will keep my focus, till the end.
And in the journal you kept,
by the side of your bed.
You wrote nightly in aspiration,
of developing as an author.
Confessing childhood secrets,
of dressing up in women's clothes,
Compulsions you never knew the reasons to,
Well everyone, you ever meet or love,
be just relationship based on a false presumption,
despite everyone, you ever meet or love,
in the end, will you be all alone?
As the disease spreads slowly through your body,
pumped by your heart to the tips of your arms and your legs,
your greatest fear was that your mind wouldn't last,
your coherency and alertness would be the first things to fade,
as your hair thinned, as the weight fell off, as your teeth blackened,
as the lesions spotted your skin,
as you fell to your knees in the center of the stage,
as you offered witness to mortality in exchange for the ticket price,
as the lights blended into the continuing noise,
as all hope was finally lost.
Adrenaline carried one last thought to fruition.
Let this be the end.
Let this be the last song.
Let this be the end.
Let all be forgiven.
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| Thanksgrieving *(crossposted to facebook, myspace)* |
[25 Nov 2006|01:46am] |
Man, I hate this holiday so goddamn much.
I'm starting this little message off with a personal note to a lot of people: my friends Sam, Maren, Matt, PeeJee, Joel, Joshes, Mike, Carrie, and more. I've been very hard to reach for the past month or so, in about any way imaginable. I dunno what's up but I've felt like I've been having weird panic attacks and a lot of my direction is just wandering. Soffi's made comments proving it's not just in my head and a few other poeple have said as much, too. Sorry. I'm trying to get myself together, guys. I wish I knew what was up.
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| The good news is... |
[14 Sep 2006|02:06pm] |
...i'm not pregnant. Josh, I think you dodged a bullet on that one. :P
But oddly enough, Health Services has the weirdest idea of acceptable triage questions i've ever heard.
Generally, if a guy walks in with a sore throat, fever, and mild congestion, would your first question be "Are you pregnant?"
Because that's the first one that I got.
After holding back the torrents of sarcasm which run through my veins, I explained my symptoms and the nurse finally came around to realizing that I don't have a cooter and infact no uterus, and then swabbed my throat (not as much fun as the way *I* do it :P) and discovered that I don't have strep either. I'm just... sick.
Fun.
But hey. I'm bored. Gimme a call and cheer me up.
...please?
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[13 Sep 2006|11:59am] |
::end angst::
Seriously, you bitches who keep commenting about me needing to post a "real blog" are all lame.
But...
Last weekend was awesome. I drove up to the cities on friday, and met up with the Pahmahllah and attended an awesome party during which I smoked four bowls on my new hookah. BTW - hookahs, while awesome, are dangerous, mythical beasts. Much like Brazil.
There was a little drama when our friend Robbie, who has been on 'social probabtion' for a while overdrank and got hisself crunk, which set off the Pahmahllah alarm, and we had to have Allen take him home early. I'm still not sure what we're going to wind up doing with that situation, but i'm fine ignoring it until the end of time.
Saturday morning, we went to the uptowner and we got some breakfast, then headed back to the HoBR to recoup and watch tv until we headed out to Ground Zero and Bondage-A-Go-Go. Awkward awesomeness was had by all.
Sunday, we got up, got breakfast, and planned to head out.
I left st. paul around 3pm
I figured on the way down i'd stop to see a friend.
We watched a couple of movies (including an old, old favorite, The 5th Element) and then i realized what time it was and took off.
I'm not going to pretend that all we did was talk and watch movies. But i'm a gentleman* and i'm not about to slander the good name of any friend.
I got back to decorah at 3am. a 12 hour tour. Rockzor.
At some point this weekend, I came to a realization... one beautifully described in the following parable. (thanks øyv)
I (simultaneously love and) hate theme parties that involve me dressing up. If you want a theme, require everyone to fake a British accent or have a party completely in the dark. That'd be fun. Making me buy clothes to attend your party is no way to make me think you're the pinnacle of fun.
But I ran to the mall anyway and I bought white shoes and I bought a white tie from this beautifully pierced, dipped, dyed, and soft spoken boy at Hot Topic (who also, to clear up any mixed signals his emasculated emoness might be sending, was wearing a small pink button on his lanyard that said simply, maybe even preemptively--"I kiss girls"). While I was waiting in line, a fat girl (I don't use the words lightly) was hooking him up with her lead-singer-in-a-band girl friend who had just bobble out of the place, decked from head to toe in black and red stripes, pierced to hell, and also sprouting hair that was colored like a cheap carnival teddy bear.
"So would you be interested in hanging out with her," asked the fat girl.
"I guess," said the emo boy, scanning her fishnets and looking around for a pen.
"How about dinner," said the fat girl.
"Yeah, that'd be ok, I guess," said the emo boy.
"Then be at Shoney's at 8:00. She'll be there," said the fat girl.
"Ok, sure," he said, handed her the receipt and stared at his stapler.
He had this emo shit down. Congratulations on your date, I told him, my voice low and kind of angsty so that he'd know I knew the game, but still slightly laughing as the fat girl slipped sideways through the tight aisles (yet another defensive measure in Hot Topics' never-ending battle to keep fat girls from buying their clothes).
"Sometimes you just want someone to hang out with," he said, and finally he smiled.
It's moments like that which make me realize that life is too freakin' short, and i should get on that whole dating thing... but simultaenously I don't want a relationship... ever.
It turns out that I'm insane** and that there's apparently something that I haven't realized before now... that I share more in common with a box of mixed nuts than another person.
For the most part, it's cool. All I want ever is friends. If it happens to turn into something else, great. But friends are where it's at... especially if it's friends who are cool with cuddling.
For a majority of my younger life*** i've had touching issues. I couldn't stand touching/being touched by other people. Ever. But sophomore year it changed, and my favorite thing to do was to fall asleep on my roommate's bed while we were watching a movie. Granted, most of our friends called us "fuckin' weird" but it was nice for us, because there were never any expectations... other then the fact that I'd eventually fall asleep, and he'd have to shake me awake to go to dinner.
i miss that time of my life. Even last year, it was hard to get to the point where i could spend any time in a similar situation -- but now i'm just thinking that's what would be the rockzorinist ever.
Why do i have problems being with people and being in relationships, you ask?
'Cause i'm fat.
Some would call me "chubby," others "morbidly obese" and still others "thin."
It would even be one thing if i were really really fat... like, i'm-gonna-be-buried-in-a-piano fat. But instead, i just have fat parts, specifically my stomach and chest. Fuckin' lame.
But i've been losing it. Since january, i've lost 20 pounds. but it's not comin' off quick enough with me just not doing anything.
So i started working out this week.
Monday i missed my PE class, so i went for a run, and today i did a 90 minute aerobic workout.
And i'm thinking of pulling an anna-nicole and trimspain' down. Daddy wants to be thin -- and i'd probably do it better (read: healthier) if i had some sort of other reason to do it... like someone to make it worth it. But i'll settle for kidney failure if i look hot.****
*that's what it says on the birth certificate
**We don't have to answer any questions on that.
***Just ask anyone... i've dated...
****That is not a solicitation for your pitty or "you're going to kill yourself" messages. I'm not 5.
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| Hyperbole - My Method of Screwing with people |
[07 Feb 2006|06:20pm] |
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music |
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Against Me! -- As The Eternal Cowboy |
] |
I know a lot of people read this blog. Lots. I see the "views" ammount count every day. My blog itself has 2390 views. That's 4780 eyeballs looking at the total-ness of my blog... that's a lot of eyeballs.
it's also a lot of people who, maybe :: just maybe :: might be getting to know more about me via this blog.
It occurs to me that sometimes, the entries that I post are completely true - yes, I did tour with the Greatful Dead (ok, if you believed that, you obviously can't tell when I'm lying).
But seriously.
A Collogue pointed out today that this is a very public medium. Something I think that we all forget from time to time. And, as she well knows, I let my mouth get me into trouble.
In this instance, I've used hyperbole, exaggerations, and outright lies for the sole purpose of making my little humdrum life more interesting. Because let's be honest - waking up, going to class, going home, and sleeping make for very, very dull posts. And I crave too much attention to let a little thing like the truth get in the way. It's a part of who I am. It's also the reason that I have been posting 5 times a day (sorry again to those of you who have subscribed... you're getting flooded).
I also have a very poor sense of humor. I tend to be scarcastic and (occasionally) ironic, and I use language to mess with people. It's part of my personality, and I need to learn when it's appropriate.
As those of you who know me from the 'real world' know, i'm not really an alcoholic. I don't perform feats of magic in the shower. And I'm not really depressed - or really that emo. I use those things to get people to comment, just because I don't hear from people that often. And, since I'm new in a new country, I use things which will get a rise out of people to get them to comment back. I even make outlandish comments on other people's blogs - and some of you are kind enough to return fire.
But, in a medium where scarcasm (and hyperbole and outright lies) has no emoticon, and people randomly read things and take them for fact - my 'usual' reaction of messing with anyone/everyone is really inappropriate. As is my spelling, most of the time.
I can be offensive and harsh - and ignorant - and juvenile - and opinionated - and out of line. I can also be brazen and crass and unrealistic.
I know i've offended some people with my posts. Even though you haven't mentioned it yourselves - but you should... and I apologize to each and every one of you.
I've re-read many of the blogs i've posted (over the last year) today - and I never realized how often I just went off for the sole purpose of getting attention - when in reality, I didn't mean to flat-out offend. I've overindulged my hyperactive imagination and let my self run wild with tales of craziness. And, a few too many quotes from Strangers With Candy. And a few too many lyrics from songs. Ok, definately too many lyrics from songs. And too many quizzes - although, that victim is more on my old livejournal.
So, starting today, I'm going to re-evaluate each of my posts from the 'days of yore' if you will, and figure out where I went too far, and try to learn from that. If anyone thinks they deserve an outright apology, msg me - it'll be long overdue.
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| A long-overdue update |
[12 Jan 2006|09:50am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 tired |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Jesus of Surburbia - Green Day |
] |
It seems to me that it is damn well time that I ignored MySpace and updated this old, wonderful journal page - which is kind of a shame that I don't feel the need to crosspost it...
Things in Tromsø are... strange to say the least.
I've never lived in a city this size for this length of time before, and it's terrifying to be stuck without a car - to have to rely on the whims of the busline...
And i've been missing people... I feel really bad because I didn't have the opportunity to visit people before I left (ya'll know who you are) and I really should have. I didn't really have any good "excuse" except the fact I was leaving the country and seemed to use all the time I had packing and figuring out what the hell I was going to do with the day.
I could have/should have made some better priorities before I left - which makes me sad now since I find myself thinking often of... things.
Some day, I will have internet access in my room - but because of a typo, I do not. l.a.m.e. maybe it's for the best - lord knows i'd only be using it to slip further and further into some sort of self-induced isolative measure and/or being even more "emo" than I already try not to be.
Although, since I have nothing better to do than to sit on the computer all day, I am quite tempted to do so - however, I should get some shopping done... wait... i don't really need anything. Except socks. I need socks.
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| School Sux |
[21 Sep 2005|09:16pm] |
I'm kinda hating school right now. I don't know exactly why, but I, all of a sudden yesterday, started feeling like I was out of control, and I was on a downspiral which was making me go insane. Maybe that's just life. Maybe i'm insane. Either way, fun's in store.
Maybe the reason why I'm feeling this right now is the pressure i'm under because I want to go to Norway for Spring Semester. Fuckbeans, there's a lot of planning which goes into that. All I really want is a way to not go fuckin' crazy when I'm trying to get something done. It wouldn't be so bad if Terry wasn't being an absolute bitch about the process - but maybe things will work out. I'm hopeful anyway.
I'm kinda coasting right now. School, in and of itself, is not doing anything right now. I'm caught up in reading, although I have a 1 page reading response to write tonight, but that's NBD. I have a test in Environmental Conservation that I should study for after my 8:00am class (American Diversity) and review notes for my 11:00am (History of Western Philosophy). Plus, I have a EnviroCons Lab from 2:00pm-4:00pm and I work 7:00pm-9:00pm. Craziness. Friday will make everything perfect. Math is the one class I look forward to. I have nothing to do those days. Which, BTW, rawk. I almost always have my HW done before class... and do the next day's HW _in_ class, which also rocks.
So, Let's recap:
Environmental Conservation (TR+LR)- Review notes, and give that test a new spincter
History of Western Philosophy (TR) - One page of "WTF?" and you're set. Rawkzor.
American Diversity (TR) - Lie if there's a quiz, and put your way through. It'll be fine.
Finite Math (MWF) - Three Words: In your sleep
Voice Lesson (F) - That's friday, isn't it? I haven't had one yet. It'll be chill as hell... I think... I just rock out for a half hour. Perfect.
Maybe things aren't as bad as I thought... I think things are looking up...
Plus, only 2 days 'til the weekend... :p
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| Zen and the art of body piercing... |
[05 Jul 2005|05:10pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 crazy |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Asstickler - Offpist |
] |
So, i'm just chillin, staring out the window, and thinking about how much i love it here at Skogfjorden. This place really is my happy zen-like tranquil place that I think of when I need to chill out, and get things back in order in my head.
Here, I notice things that I normally wouldn't, like the way the grass grows longer in the shade of the big oak outside the window than it does farther up the hill behind the dining hall. I notice the color blue as it filters down from the sky through the trees. I notice the sound of co-workers who were also villagers with me who are now arguing over who was more hardcore, Strike Against or The Ramones.
My tongue swirls around the back of the labret in my cheek. I notice the smell of torsk cooking in the background. I notice Liv being a tool about me finally getting around to updating, when she herself is just as guilty as I am about neglecting this bastard.
I got dinner done, and now i'm leaving, off to find a retainer for my lip and possibly one for my nose as well - i'm probably going to go see the 'rents tomorrow, or make them come and visit me, which is usually better, as I can get out of more that way. Plus, i get a meal out of them. I call that "win-win"
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| my own thoughts on the concept of "project more metal than flesh" |
[05 Jul 2005|02:46pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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Punky |
] |
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music |
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Party Monster Soundtrack |
] |
So, as you may have seen, i have begun to post that my mood as "punky"... well, perhaps it's time to reveal why that is.
A week ago Monday, I traveled into town to Body Matrix and recieved not one, but TWO holes in my face. It is a beautiful thing. I got my labret redone, as well as my septum pierced, and i believe that tomorrow, i just might go and get my nipples pierced. Although, i'm not sure about it right now, but I love the feeling of hot metal being jammed through my flesh...
Does that make me weird?
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| My Custom Hoodie |
[22 Jun 2005|11:51pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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punky |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Avenged Sevenfold - Eternal Rest |
] |
So I'm Designing this Hoodie and trying to figure out where/how i can get it printed.
Now, all I need is someone who will print it, and people to be interested in it so i can get a minimum order.
Black Zip hoodie OF DOOM
Front
I Never Wanted To Be Different.
I Just Wanted To Be Me.
Back
CULTURAL REVOLUTIONARY
We The Modified hold that we are a distinct subcultural group
with an established history and way of life. We take part in
these activities and perform these Body Modifications for the
betterment of ourselves, of our peers, and of the world in
general. Piercing, Tattoos, Scarification, and other modifications
are active Political Protest and lead to positive cultural reform.
We demand the right to treat our bodies as our own, and we
strongly urge all to do the same.
Any takers?
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| Summertime... and the livin' is easy.... |
[19 Jun 2005|05:19pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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Chipper |
] |
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music |
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Summertime - Me First and the Gimmie Gimmies |
] |
"I realized in hind sight that I could have gouged out some eyes, and I regret missing that opportunity. I mean, how many opportunities do you get to gouge out someone's eyes and have it be completely legal and justifiable? I wouldn't even have to feel bad about it." - Mike, on being jumped last night
a bunch of us just got back from swimming down at the lake... something i haven't done since I was a villager myself.... rock on. although, it's a little different now. There aren't thirty boys running around splashing eachother, and 20 girls talking about how long it took to do their hair now... just the staff, and they're more immature than they'll admit.
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[26 May 2005|02:35pm] |
So i finally got around to reading the results that I posted for what song off the radio that I was... and didn't realize just how ironic the whole thing is...
Someone is probably picking on you and you want out. You've probably also lost a friend lately and you want them to know you need them.
Aw... Even the voice that tells me to burn things is commenting on that one...
Where's my soma?
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| Leave it to Pia... |
[24 May 2005|11:27pm] |
| [ |
music |
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The Dead 60s - Riot Radio |
] |
So now I've been tagged... Time to pass the burn on.
Total number of films I own on DVD/VHS: the technical term is shitton
The last film I bought: I Am Curious: Yellow and Blue
The last film I watched: Pirates of the Carribean
Five films that I watch a lot or that mean a lot to me:
1. Moulin Rouge
2. Camp
3. Breakfast at Tiffany's
4. Noi Albinoi
5. Saved
Tag 5 people and have them put this in their journal:
1. Maren
2. Sam
3. Dan
4. Pam
5. Mawit
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[24 May 2005|07:19pm] |
| [ |
music |
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HAWTHORNE HEIGHTS - The Silence in Black And White - Ohio Is For Lovers |
] |
| You scored as "I'm Not Okay (I Promise)" - My Chemical Romance. You;re "I'm Not Okay (I Promise)" by My Chemical Romance. You got this result because you chose the lyrics to the song and you aren't okay. Someone is probably picking on you and you want out. You've probably also lost a friend lately and you want them to know you need them.
"I'm Not Okay (I Promise)" - My Chemical Romance | | 90% | "People = Shit" - Slipknot | | 88% | "God Is A Lie" - Wednesday 13 | | 85% | "The End Of Heartache" - Killswitch Engage | | 83% | "Blood" - Papa Roach | | 80% | "Nymphetamine" - Cradle Of Filth | | 78% | "Missing" - Evanescence | | 78% | "Why Do You Love Me?" - Garbage | | 78% | "Romanticide" - Nightwish | | 75% | "The Ghost Woman And The Hunter" - Lacuna Coil | | 68% | "Love At First Fright" - Murderdolls | | 58% | </td>
Which Song Off My Radio Station Are You?
created with QuizFarm.com |
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[24 May 2005|07:17pm] |
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music |
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velvet underground - sunday morning |
] |
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[23 May 2005|02:53pm] |
| [ |
music |
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Enormous Penis - Upright Citizen's Brigade |
] |
Enormous Penis
This big blue marble we love on
is hard to understand
Where greed and hate and hunger
come between our fellow man
So put your hand in mine, and we'll
show the world we care
about little Donny's enormous penis
of which he's unaware
Enormous Penis
Let the children be fed
Enormous Penis
Let the weary find rest
Enormous Penis
Let the crazy be crazy
Enormous Penis
Let the orphans find their dads
Look in the mirror and you'll find
you've got a giant penis too
Let it out and let little donny shine
Crossing guards and volunteer firemen
Even nurses have them too
I bet Jesus had a bigger one than me and you
Enormous Penis
Let the hungry order out
Enormous Penis
Let the weary sleep late
Enormous Penis
Let the crazy be crazy
Enormous Penis
Let the orphans get their own cable access show
Enormous Penis
And we could all live in a house with really great carpeting
Enormous Penis
And a closet full of clothes we could borrow from at any time
Enormous Penis
And there would be one car, and everyone would drive everyone else around
Enormous Penis
And a giant bowl of food, and everyone would take just a little bit
Enormous Penis
And Toomba will find his way home
Enormous Penis
And the children will always live
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